I think my life is crazy about learning
Today I began to feel for the first time in my life the same pain as when someone dies without anyone having died.
Something like this had never happened to me before, the same sensations, the same emotions that one feels when someone dies but without anyone having died.
I said to myself, "As if everything you're going through wasn't enough, you're almost on the verge of going crazy and now this."
And I began to meditate and there are things that one "lose or must let go or must throw away" that make one feel the same pain that one feels when someone dies.
In my case, in these last two weeks, I have had to let go of dreams for which I fought a lot,
I have had to throw away friends who didn't love me the same way I loved them.
I have had to let go of things that made me very happy. My Bubba Garden that I loved so much, that brought me so much joy, in addition to a lot of hard work. Everyone was surprised at what a computer scientist who knew nothing about plants managed to do.
Everyone wanted to take photos there. A week before I came, when I began to remove the distinctive frame from my beautiful creation, I felt like I was ripping something from deep inside me. But there was no other way, the land belonged to another very possessive person only compared to that of Lacy Town :)
While I've been here, the tears flow, "my Bubba Garden"
Then I saw in my suitcases the beautiful flannels with the logo of "House of Prayer Mount Zion" A dream for which I sacrificed everything!!! Absolutely everything and it simply couldn't be. I spent a long time of hunger, physical and emotional abuse.
I remember one time my mother and my younger sister told me, "Come on, you're dying of hunger, and those people don't value you" and I responded, "That's the case for three, because I have a dream, mother, mother, I have a dream of form people of God"
I received all kinds of abuse and humiliation from the people I tried to help. And since I couldn't be there, I received the typical "No one is sending you to suffer so much for us" - that phrase is the type of phrase that nobody ever wants to hear and I had to hear it twice, with Bubba's Garden and with Monte de Sion "
When I return here to my land to think about everything, the same feelings and frustrations that fill the soul when one has lost someone accumulate. The only thing is that I lost several one after the other.
It is a mourning for my beloved bubbas garden, the mourning for my friends who had to get rid of some because my love was not reciprocated and in all truth I was willing to give an arm for them if it had been necessary, but they were not willing to even Saying good morning and breaking up was painful.
And the greatest pain is because of the dream that I sacrificed everything. I dreamed of serving God, I gave myself body and soul for people, but I had not yet learned that you cannot push people to be what they do not want to be. I learned the hard way that you must first push those who want to be pushed.
The pain is horrible, and although the growth was immense, in addition to the pain you have to endure the accusations of being a "failure" and that makes the pain of grief even worse. Because calling someone a "failure" is like blaming someone for death.
I do not want anyone to go through this kind of grief, much less several at the same time, much less be called a failure, and much less do I want them to feel as alone as I feel in the midst of this great triple grief.
I know that some have already felt this type of grief and have thought that no one understands them.
TODAY I UNDERSTAND YOU AND SEND YOU A HUG!!!
Kisses, I am Professor Bubba
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